Ellen was brought up to be invisible. She was taught to be very tuned into others’ feelings and needs, but to never have any of her own. Her family made it clear to her that her job was to give to them but to never expect anything in return. As a result, Ellen learned to be totally tuned out to her own feelings and needs. It was as if she, as a person, didn’t really exist, other than to be there for others.

When Ellen’s feelings and needs did surface, she would tell herself that they weren’t important, that she was strong and could handle not having her feelings cared for and or her needs recognized. She convinced herself that if she just cared enough about others, others would eventually care about her. It never happened.

The inner stress of never attending to her own feelings and needs and always feeling so invisible to others as a result finally took a toll on Ellen’s health. Ellen is now dealing with cancer and finally has to attend to herself.

Many of us have learned to be invisible – to ourselves and to others. What are some of the ways you create invisibility?

    * Do you remain silent, not speaking up for yourself, when feeling discounted or unseen by others?

    * Do you ignore your own feelings and needs in deference to others?

    * Do you go along with what others want, even if you really want something else?

    * Do you accept blame for things that you know are not really your responsibility?

    * Do you put aside your own opinions and accept the opinions of others to be accepted?

    * Do you accept disrespectful behavior from others, finding ways to excuse the behavior?

    * Do you pretend everything is okay when you are really feeling lonely or sad?

    * Are you conflict avoidant, preferring peace at any cost rather than rock the boat?

    * Are you carrying too much of the load at home or at work, without complaint?

    * Do you pretend to like a food, a movie, a topic of conversation, or sex, rather than run the risk of disapproval or rejection?

    * Do you allow yourself to be violated in any way – physically, emotionally, verbally, sexually – to avoid rejection?

    * Do you allow others’ anger or bullying to control you into doing what they want?

    * Do you do everything yourself, never asking others for help?

How often do you end up feeling unappreciated, unseen, not valued? How much of this is a reflection of how you treat yourself?

If your own feelings and needs are invisible to yourself, they will end up being invisible to others. It is not realistic to constantly put yourself aside and then expect others to value and respect you. Anytime you tolerate uncaring or disrespectful behavior in others to avoid conflict, you are training others to see you as invisible, to not care about your feelings and needs.

If you have been allowing yourself to be invisible for a long time, it is a real challenge to start to care about yourself. You need to be willing to go through a difficult period of feeling others’ anger and resentment. After all, you trained them for years to not have to care about you or see you, and now you are changing the rules. They won’t like it, but they will eventually respect you for it. You will also discover in the process of caring about yourself who really cares about you and who has just been using you. Those people who really care about you will eventually applaud your self-care, while those who were just using you will go away or be constantly angry with you for changing.

It takes great courage to shift from invisibility to being seen and valued. It takes great courage to be willing to lose others rather than continue to lose yourself. Yet, like with Ellen, your very life may depend upon it. Hopefully, you will not wait until you are ill or feel alone and cast aside by others to start to become visible to yourself.

It must start with yourself – with learning to tune into, acknowledge, value, and take loving action for yourself regarding your own feelings and needs. It means moving into personal responsibility for your own feelings and needs rather than taking care of everyone else in the hopes they will eventually take care of you. If you are ever going to feel cared for and loved, it has to start with you caring about and being loving to yourself!

All the best

Alan
 

Bookmark It

Hide Sites

T

A bereavement poem is a poem that you can use in a eulogy, a remembrance service or on a memorial site as a way to deal with the death of a loved one through imagery and words. When you are having a service, when you need something to get you through it, or when you are looking at words to have posted somewhere in memory of your loved one, a funeral or memorial poem is something that you might want to think about.

There have been many in memory of poems that have been written in the past for many situations. There are funeral poems for the loss of parents and grandparents, or children, or friends or other family members. Each memory poem has the potential to speak to your heart and to the hearts of the people who have lost loved ones. A memorial poem is designed to help with the coping process.

When you are thinking about poems for funerals, there are a couple things that you want to remember. Poems for memorial services should somehow have reference to the person that you have lost – their life, their loves, their faith or something that they loved. You want to be sure that the poem you have chosen is one that is going to speak to you and speak to the other grieving family members.

A well-chosen funeral poem can be something that you hang on to for a long time. You may want to consider printing copies of the memorial service poem to keep and to give to others who want to keep it. By having this poem with you and keeping it along with photos of your loved one either in a scrap book or on an online memorial website, you have words that you can always go back to for a memory. Writing down feelings either in prose or in poetry is highly recommended as a way to deal with severe grief.

All of the memories that you have wrapped up in a certain person can be easily expressed with a well chosen funeral poem and you will be able to keep these words as a memorial for a long time to come. Share a poem with others in hopes of helping them deal with their grief over losing a loved one. It is only by dealing with the grief that comes with losing a loved one that you can truly come out on the other side and learn to live your life again.

~ Ben Anton, 2007

PS. With Over 250 Sympathy Poems, Quotations And Readings For Eulogies, Funerals, Memorial Services, Condolence Letters And Finding Inner Peace, This Carefully Crafted Book Will Help You Find The Words To Express Your Grief. See it here:  Do Not Stand At My Grave And Weep: Over 250 Funeral Poems And Readings

All the best

Alan

Bookmark It

Hide Sites

The Dynamics of Loss and Grief

Each person reacts differently to loss and that is fine. Some feel abandoned, others feel betrayed and afraid. Some reach out for love and comfort, while others withdraw, wanting time alone. Some go into denial and seem not to register the loss that has happened.  These individuals are often unconsciously processing what has happened, not ready to face reality yet.  They may fear they will be overwhelmed if they allow themselves to register what has gone on. It is best not to pressure a person to react differently. When the individual is accepted for who they are at the moment, it is easier for them to let go, and move on. This entire process takes time.

It helps greatly to realize that the pain we go through during grief is normal. It does not mean there is something wrong with us. We need not feel ashamed of or afraid of our feelings.

What Happens When We Are Grieving

When we are grieving, interest in the outside world subsides, we slow down, sleep more, our social activities seem less meaningful. This is not necessarily bad. An individual may need more time alone. In the process of grieving the individual is contemplating the nature of their lives, coming to terms with the person they’ve lost. They may be reviewing that which was left unsaid or undone.

Grief is usually most difficult when the individual has had a troubled or incomplete relationship. When there have been unsolved conflicts left behind, this makes it harder to be at peace. Many spend time blaming themselves for what they did or didn’t do. Others blame doctors, helpers, government or family members. Casting blame is a way of removing the guilt and sorrow we feel. The sooner they are able to let go of blame and accusations, the sooner healing begins.

Let Go Of Blame

Blame, self hate and other forms of anger, are common during grief. Although it is important not to repress anger and disappointment, it is best to feel it and then let it go. Some individuals hold onto anger as a way of keeping connected to the person or situation they have lost. The truth is that anger always keeps us out of balance. It is a poison to the one who holds onto it.

Coming To Terms – Steps To Take

Ultimately one must reconcile oneself to what happened. Most people do all they can to avoid experiencing their feelings or situation directly. Many fear that if they face their suffering, it will make them feel small and helpless. Actually, the opposite is true. It’s best not to control or resist the feelings. When these feelings are not resisted, they simply come to awareness and then fade away.
 
Feelings that are repressed come out later in different ways, including various physical symptoms, phobias and unwanted behaviors. If we do not address our feelings in one mode, they will appear in another – physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually.
Hopefully, we come to a point where forgiveness can take place, (forgiveness of the person we’ve lost, forgiveness of ourselves, the universe, or whatever it is we feel anger with).  In order to do this, it is deeply helpful to realize that all of life is temporary. People possessions, situations are given to us for a short time. As we acknowledge the transitory nature of life, we can then begin to look deeper and see what it is that we never lose.
Through acceptance of reality, of oneself and the other, one develops the power the affirm life, and to grow. One can then give to others, and become a source of inspiration, and live a life that is meaningful. The discovery and experience of value and meaning in one’s life and one’s losses is the most potent healing of all

Below are a couple of exercises that are helpful in coming to terms with loss and change.

Exercise – Giving Gifts
Make a list of the gifts you received from the person you’ve lost – the ways they taught and inspired you. Now find ways to give those gifts to others. As you do so, not only will you be acknowledging what you received from that person, but honoring their memory and keeping their spirit alive.

Exercise – It Suffices
Whenever you think of the person and the way they fell short, what they didn’t give you, say to yourself, “It Suffices.” This is in recognition that they gave all they could, being who they were, and that you can feel satisfied with what you received. (This is an ancient Buddhist practice)

Prayer, Silence And Meditation
 
Of course the deepest sense of healing, peace and security can come from our connection to a higher power or our higher selves. During the process of grieving it is very helpful to be able to connect with that which is ultimately meaningful to you.  Our true security comes from discovering a larger purpose in all that happens, and our ability to trust it..

Alan

PS: You may be interested in a ‘personal grief guidebook’. Called ‘Back to Life‘ this guidebook will help you if you are heartbroken from grief. ‘If You Are Devastated By The Loss Of A Loved One And Wondering How You Are Going To Survive, Back To Life, Our Personal Grief Guidebook, Provides Just The Answers You Are Looking For! ‘

A supportive eBook (or hardcopy) is available here: Back To Life! A Personal Grief Guidebook.

Bookmark It

Hide Sites